My Life Of Pain And Struggle

life sucks

2010-12-02T23:59:00.002+08:00

i've been away for ages now. just too freaking busy and no time at all. been posted to DB as a MP of all places. in my platoon the job aint so bad. we just station ourselves at many places and sit there. but the shift is really horrible. im not getting a complete weekend anymore unless im on leave. and the camp is so freaking far away. travelling is so tiring. and the people there aren't really the best colleagues you can hope for. when working at a place like this, you rely on your friends to get you through. but most of them are not like that. they think that being seniors, they can do whatever they want. and that we have to do all the dirty shit.

and i really cant take it anymore. just being bullied and pushed around like this just because we are new. it is absolutely ridiculous. and me being the butt of all jokes just seems to continue. i just don't know why. it is just so easy to make fun of me. i don't even know what to say sometimes.

at the start of my enlistment, i was kinda looking forward to army. screwed my A-Levels, couldn't go to uni, i thought that army would be a welcome distraction. for a while seems like it was. but now no never. i am craving to go back to tekong as a MP. this kind of working environment is just not for me.

POP

2010-07-06T21:32:00.004+08:00

POP LOH!!! PRIVATE ANWAR

well i graduated on friday but only found time today. just like any other high-key events in Quebec Company, IT HAD TO RAIN!!!!!!! oh damn what the hell. i was hoping that we could at least graduate in peace after all the rain during field camp and sitest, but it wasn't meant to be. we practiced for 5 long days for the graduation parade, and only once for the wet-weather plan. this is because the wet-weather plan has NEVER been activated before( great we made history right?). it started raining soon after we completed our 24km route march. i was literally crying to god to stop the rain. but it continued, all the way till we boarded the ferry. and i didn't even take many photos. this was definitely not the plan i had for our last day together. for goodness sake, it was Quebec's last day together ( quebec will be renamed as the 3rd company). so it was really a waste. i thought doing the march-pass would be awesome, was particularly looking forward to that segment of the parade. but ah well, life goes on. i am a PRIVATE now, and that's more important.

life in BMTC has definitely changed me. i have learned to be more disciplined, even outside of camp. now i am really nervous about my next posting. i really wanna go to SISPEC and become a sergeant. of course i wouldn't turn down the offer if i am posted to OCS. i just think that being a commander will make your ns life more worth it. there will be more things to learn. will only get to know on friday morning.

i guess you mean that much to me

2010-05-02T18:22:00.004+08:00

why is it that i just can't get you off my mind. it has been a long time since we graduated from tpjc. i thought that i have moved on. but i guess that i just cant.

there hasn't been a single day where i haven't thought about you at all. and i don't even know what i want. i just imagine you by my side all the time. your face just keeps appearing in my head all the time. i want someone to talk to and i want it to be you. but somehow i feel that ain't gonna happen, at least not soon. i don't even know what to do.

i remember the little bits of conversations we had, remembered the little things we did together, i even remembered the expressions on your face when i said certain things. i just so wanna hear your voice again. everyday i hope i bump into you somewhere just so that i could talk to you again.

NS

2010-03-20T00:43:00.004+08:00

i am finally bald. haha.... enlisted on 6th march and just came back home just now. this is the first time ever that i am away from home for 2 weeks straight. there is a lot of difference ever since. the A-levels has been disappointing and i have been using my time in tekong to take my mind off it for the time being. but now that i am back i have to get going with the admission. seriously, i will be forced into some course that i don't really fancy. but then again, i only have myself to blame.

as for NS, the first 2 weeks ain't too bad. at least i have got used to the regime there. pretty tough but this is only the start. i have learnt that 'pain is weakness living in the body'. it has also helped in my mental strength. and god, i sure miss home. miss facebook, miss N81, miss SOCCER. i just have to miss the milan and the liverpool game. bullshit. and my parents and sis sure miss me too. it is all too obvious from their body-language. haha....

can i take a pit-stop in life?

2010-01-31T23:08:00.003+08:00

there are just so many things going through my head all the time. it just seems impossible to slow-down, assess the things in my head and just start afresh again. it just keeps pilling on and on and it is a miracle that my head is still intact. and some of these are not even clear. i don't even know what i want. i complain to myself everyday, which is like the easier way out. maybe i just need someone to talk to. but even then, who would wanna listen. as if people out there don't have problems of their own. it is rather demanding to expect someone to listen to you all the time and expect them to perform miracles. ar what a bloody mess!!!!!

i don't think i should be blamed for trying to pursue my happiness and freedom. sometimes i feel this pursuits are causing all this mess. i never had the freedom to do what i want, to go out with friends just to lepak. my parents keep me at home all day, and they complain when the tv is on for soooooo long. but then what exactly do they expect me to do?? it is just beyond me to try be in their shoes. my sis is starting school soon (going to tpjc just like her bro =D). at least she will be occupied and have things to do. as for me, well i was supposed to stop going to dad's office by monday, but he asked me to work for another 15 days. i mean i really don't mind if i have work to do. but everyday i just stare at the computer everyday, looking at the your stupid colleagues who doesn't even know how to talk to people, and yea, doing the work whenever you ask me to (which is like so bloody little). it is wrong to compromise a little? i am your son, supposed to listen to you no matter what, but shouldn't you be the one to at least try to make me feel happy, make me feel like i can be someone that i wanna be. you are just shackling me from seeing the world.

and worst if all is the fact that i cannot even relate to you most of the time. you just don't want to listen to my side of the story, trying to use all your ''experience'' try and shape out my life. you should be ashamed that your own damn son is looking for friends, and sometimes even strangers just to understand me, just to say that lil few words that can provide me with reassurance, just to know that maybe-it-ain't-to-bad-after-all.

stepping into the outside world, like finally??

2010-01-02T22:49:00.003+08:00

it has been a long time..... but life after the bloody A-Levels is nothing of what i expected it to be. i thought i was gonna be completely free, be a different person altogether, start to at least reach out for all my dreams and ambitions. but now, i have yet to achieve or even get close to any one of those scenarios. i certainly won't say 'i would rather go back to school again', but sometimes i just start thinking why my life is so different form everyone around me. it just kills me to realize this fact every single day of my life, but it is just embedded in my head that it is almost impossible to get it out.

firstly my parents..... they are just plain selfish and self-centered. so much repeating the "fact" that 'parents will always love their children'. well if that is true, then why don't i feel the love?? if you truly love me like nuts, why do i feel so suffocated and at times even suicidal just at the thought of 'why am i like this?'. honestly, i am at home all day. when i finally got a part-time job, you discourage me on the spot and then try to find me another. and now i have to follow my dad to the office every morning, 9 to 5. i mean, why don't you just let me live my life. i am being labeled all sort of things in school, all because i am "different". i am just plain sick of this. you won't even let me discover the world on my own. you only want me to see the world through your own eyes. this is just unfair.

(lots more coming soon..... bit by bit yea?)

after A-Level exams

2009-12-02T01:47:00.004+08:00

A-LEVELS ARE FUCKING OVER!!! OH GOD! i have been waiting to say this for the whole of 2 years. 2 years that once seemed to take forever. don't get me wrong. it is not like i hate studying or what, but it is just that the last few so-important laps were all so painful and unbearable at times. like seriously, especially after prelims. garrrrrr.... well i am just glad it is over. and i am hoping for the best.

on tuesday, me and the guys decided to hang out together, in the masses and just have fun. we first met at study corner, went to play LAN (yup i played LAN for the first time ever), then all cycled to Hamdi's place at changi to watch "scary" movies. well it is not as smooth as it seemed. in fact at study corner itself, our plans were threatened. some didn't move their move their huge ass. we were stuck there from like 7.30 to 10+ pm. bloody hell. then LAN was ok, but some probs with bikes oso. all coz never plan. so always remember, do some planning before doing anything ok.

as for now i just wanna live my life man. the A-levels have really taken everything out of me. it was exhausting and at times extremely demoralising. i was on the verge on giving up on many occasions. now thank goodness i didn't. in fact, i just wanna forget everything about education itself. i wanna get a part-time job and if possible and i dun wanna go to tuition or anything. just wanna go out and work, like in town and stuff.

it's all over.... =(

2009-10-16T22:40:00.007+08:00

so, after 2 years of awesome and amazing TPJC experience, it all came to an end just now. everything i did, i was like "this was the last time i am ever gonna do this", from assembly in the hall to going friday prayers with friends. i was almost emotional. i have enjoyed myself so much in school before. those who know me since sec school knows what kind of a person i was: nerdy, quiet, never really mixed around with others. but all that changed in tpjc. i learned to talk more, started to hang out with friends more often, with all the jokers around me, all the fun people, i was just reluctant to let go, in fact i still am.

but i suppose life goes on. got A-LEVELS coming up in like 20 odd days. some of my friends have even received their letters for SCDF and police. they say that if i haven't any letter till today means that i will be posted to the Army. i wanna go to the army, but then it is kinda tough and my fitness sucks to the core. but well, just gonna look forward to it.

as for school, i am just gonna stay focused now. i am gonna go all out and give my best shot at the A-levels. seriously, this 2 years of education has been the best in my life. it is true what they say: your JC friends will be the ones who you treasure most. seriously, i want this to continue for another 2 years if possible. u know all the night study and stuff. i feel that all the best things in tpjc for me have come towards the latter stage of the 2 years. i started talking to ppl i barely even knew. made great friends. hey guys, do keep in touch yea pls?

as for the teachers, they have only made my experience more enjoyable. Mr Robin Yong and Mr Koh King Koon have been with us for 2 years. they are certainly caring and great teachers. We only managed to spend a single year under Mrs Loh and Mr Ivan Sum, which was certainly not enough, although it was just as fun.

if there are experiences that will stay in my memories forever, it would have to be this 2 years. it is just plain awesome and great. thanks guys, thanks for all the great times and great memories.

i will never forget TPJC for the rest of my life =D

i am not trying to be emo or anything, but i just thought that this song is kind of appropriate.

NO SURPRISE - DAUGHTRY

not studying man... shit!

2009-09-27T23:06:00.005+08:00

can someone pls help me out?!?!?! why the hell am i not studying? i am just so distracted, and of all time now? i just feel that there is a lot left to go through. but everytime when i think about that, i just become so stressed up. damn!!!

i have been trying to get a study plan nowadays. like concentrate more on chem, econs and physics. but only sometimes i manage to follow his plan. this is the part which is the most frustrating. i really really wanna follow a plan, like staying up late and all. but havent really been able to do it.

I PROMISE TO DO MY BEST FROM NOW ON!! PLS PLS PLS. I PROMISE.

prelims.... like there's anything else to talk about

2009-09-04T23:20:00.004+08:00

the first week if prelims is finally over. not a big deal actually. it started off ok and then ended up in a sickeningly irritating manner. damn it! i thought GP essay was ok, compre was hmmmm.. then econs wasn't too bad, but considering it is similar standard then i have work to do. was just given a 100+ page notes on the entire star ws solution. a bit too late kan? haiya.. wanna complain i know i shouldn't oredi. and yes chem, it was just so sickening. was feeling confident after doing the prelim papers from other schools. but this paper just stinks man. still got paper 1 and 3 ar, but still!!!

will be having a "break" from school till my physics paper on 911 (auspicious keper?). then the following will all be the remaining papers left, maths, econs essay and chem p1 and p3. i was thinking of taking only a 1-day break after prelims. it ends on a thursday and i have tuition on saturday anyway. it is gonna be a mad rush after this. only 50+ days left to A's after prelims. hahahaha... talk about bringing on the heat!!! oh yea...

got a scary feeling that i am gonna be complacent man. shit no!!! this shouldn't happen! that is the last thing on my mind, in fact it is not even there. no!!!!!!!!! pls don't!!!!

puasa and prelims

2009-08-21T23:46:00.000+08:00

so tomorrow's the first day of the Muslim fasting month, Ramadhan. it is the the month where the gates of hell are locked. it is a great chance to cleanse yourself. after all, we humans commit sins everyday and think that God will forgive us. me included. or sometimes we completely forget about HIM in the face of our hectic lives. tsk tsk tsk. we are so bloody flawed aren't we?

anyway... my upcoming prelims is really not something that i want to experience now. at least not in 12 days' time. and my bloody parents! now they say i cannot follow my dad for terawih coz i should spend the time studying. FUCK THEM OFF!!!! c'mon.... life is singapore is really suffocating me. all we worry about is exams and grades and status. it is like nothing else matters anymore. i was planning to stay back on fewer days for night study, so that at least i can break my fast with them. and this is what i get in return. maybe i sud consider this. breaking fast in school ain't too bad with frens and all. have always wanted to do that. this is my chance i guess.

as for studies, as if there is anything new to say. i have been doing my revision as usual. but i still feel i need to go at a faster pace. but my body sometimes can't take it, or maybe it is my mind. i really dunno.

would be back after prelims

closer and closer

2009-08-01T23:53:00.003+08:00

wow... the 1st day of august is just about to end now. in 5 mins time, there will only be 100 more days to my A-Levels. goodness! i have really been far. i took a long time to finally accept that i am gonna take my A-levels this year. but now that reality have more than just sink in. i guess it is embedded into my soul for now. it can only be erased at the end of november.

well i am trying to stay positive. i think it is only fair to say that my school has been helping us out as well. they have implemented this night-study programme. i am down for two days but i have decided to stay back on 4 days, till 9pm. at least this is what i am intending to do. i kinda wasted a lot of time on tuesday!! i swear i will never ever do that again!!! i kinda feel energized at night. somehow i can still have the energy to continue work after the night-study. so yea... i am thankful for that.

and obviously those sacrifices will have to start soon. u know... staying up late. no (or maybe just reducing) tv-time. some good movies and new series of CSI Miami is just about to start. damn!!!!! why why why! my sis did asked me if i wanted to watch Harry Potter. for once i didnt have the mood. and guess what... the soccer season oso gonna start sia. to hell with harry potter lar,,, we are gonna end up buying the dvd. but soccer? man i can't survive not watching it. that is just not me. oh man!!

there i go again

2009-07-17T23:28:00.003+08:00

well i finally told my parents my SA2 results just now. but i didn't even intend to do so. i was talking to them about the intensive revision programme which is gonna start soon. i told them that only the top 30% of the cohort will be excused, then i said "that means confirmed i have to go". and then they were like "so u mean u got your results back oredi?" well yea i did!! in fact all of them. what the hell was i thinking man? haiya.

they were about to scold me b4 i even said anything. apparently it worked when i raised my voice. just said it was bad, and that they were gonna say the same old things again. i didnt even look at them when i talked. and guess what? i told them right at the start of dinner. so it was damn quiet and there was literally no eye-contact at all, which is quite rare for us.

well this has happened for so many times before? i just wonder sometimes. being parents, they think they know everything about life and that we are just innocents peeps who have yet to see the world. but do they really understand what we go thru as a student? as a teen? they know perfectly well that i tried my best but it is still not good enough. and then they do what they do best! pull long faces!! they figid at the smallest things i do when i am away from the study table! they want me to stay there 24/7. i know why they are doing this. but cant they be more understanding? for 4 years i did just that in secondary school and look at how my O's turn out? and they "cry" at my results thinking that i am loving it! DAMN!!

i know i havent been the smartest person or not even the kind of son they want to be. their ideal son would probably be in RJC or somewhere with confidence brimming right now coz his goddamned A's are already secured. for him, the A-levels is just a formality. but hell i am not that kind of guy.

it is just unfair. they want to be the perfect son, but they not even great parents. it is always one-sided!!

exmas lar ANWAR! slack slack slack... wanna fail isit huh?

2009-06-23T21:55:00.003+08:00

oh gosh!! i am in some serious shit! there is exactly 6 days to my exams and i am still not done with revision at all. ideally now i should be done with all the revising and now i would be doing that compilation of prelim papers. dammit lar...

oh yea i went for my NS medical just now, like finally. apparently, i got PES D. stupid lar. my heart got some irregular readings and i have to go for a heart scan towards the end of july. and then they will mail me my PES in 2 months' time. haiya... should have gone earlier, but didn't want to book earlier so ya.

overall i am looking forward to NS, yea honestly. WHAT IS THE EFFING POINT OF STAYING AT HOME I AM CONFINED LIKE A PRISONER. IT IS NOT GONNA BE THE SAME IN NS, BUT AT LEAST I WILL BE FREE. A LIL BIT OF RULES AINT BAD, BUT MY PARENTS' RULES ARE JUST FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

my econs tutor once told us there was a Chinese saying that says: an over-protective parent will have a loser-child. that really struck me

a serious thought

2009-06-17T22:10:00.004+08:00

hey holidays been great so far. it is not like i am having lotsa fun, in fact i am not. have been busy preparing for SA2.

i have tuition almost everyday at bugis, and gosh, u know what? i have been thinking.... i spend lots of time traveling just for tuitions lessons, parents have been spending lots of money, especially this month where they have extra classes to gear us up for the upcoming exams. and i will continue to attend these lessons till my A-levels.

i am just hoping that all my time and efforts and my parents' money are well used. i mean can you imagine? after going through all this, i just don't want to end up not satisfied with my results, just like 2 years ago. i am feeling great right now, and i want to put this right in terms of academic results. i ahve not been doing well for most subjects and that is like the only thing missing in my jc-life now. and i am seriously desperate for it. the last time i did well was during the psle and that is a far distant memory now. i have come a long way, and i am definitely not going down without a fight. i am desperate for those good-ol-days to come back. and i will do whatever i can do bring it back. i want 2009-2010 to be the best years in my life. i want to serve NS knowing that my place in NUS has been assured. i don't wanna spend two years feeling sorry for myself. i have been waiting for this very moment since i was a kid.

everything's gonna be ok... i hope!!!

that fateful night

2009-06-03T21:58:00.003+08:00

right... so the june holidays are finally here. i have been looking forward to this month for a long while now. i am thinking this is the time where things will all settle down and i can finally get things straight in terms of studies, especially. the SA2 exams are looming large. and i just can't afford to screw this one up. according to teachers, this will be a good gauge of future exams, confidence... argh... there is just too much at stake. and i wanna make full use of this opportunity.

so far my holiday plans have been going ok, except for a few interruptions. i am gonna help out at manifest on friday at backstage. so yea... i think the friday's gone. and my tuition schedule at bugis is kinda packed as well. have to go there almost everyday except fridays. but that is for my exams, so it is not a bad thing.so far i have went for maths and chem extra classes and they were really not bad. it's like i really needed it. u know... extra lessons, revision and all. just have to keep going anwar!!! sometimes i feel like i am already burned out. like i am super-exhausted even before the real thing starts.

on a less positive note, there is something indeed that is not going right. it is regarding this friendship with danyya. i don't know why... things suddenly got complicated and in fact it is over, at least from how i am looking at it. it just didn't had to end this way. it is my first time after all. i suppose i have to be strong and take this as a lesson for the near future. but still, wasted ar u know.... i never thought i would ever experience a break-up. turns out things are always more complicated than when seen from outside. it has been 11 weeks since that day. ar damn......

why why why?

2009-05-23T22:02:00.003+08:00

so rite now i am listening to my damn favourite song (Breathing Your Love by darin feat. kat deluna) and rocking like nobody's business. been keeping to myself going lately.

have been feeling down for no apparent reason. i just have this awful feeling that nothing is going right and that i am in a so hellish situation. gosh i don't know why this is happening to me. by right things are going ok in school. it is only when i get home is when things start getting funny. been wasting time this whole week. as usual i do maths when i am not in the mood. so i studied the same subject for 4 days!!!! AAARRGGHHHH!!!!!!

my SA2 starts on the 29th june. so june is time is go CRAZY! literally... but in a good way. the tuition centre at bugis has extra lessons during the holidays. so i will be going there everyday except on friday. and then my friends are planning to study together, and my relatives are calling me for soccer. i don't wanna miss all of that. lets see if that is even possible.

maybe i am just in need of motivation. but then i am always motivated, in fact since the beginning of this year. i really don't know what is happening to me sometimes.

not good ANWAR

2009-04-27T23:26:00.003+08:00

so much for being back soon aye? haha.... my bad

this past 2 weeks has been the most unproductive and most slackiest days ever. and i am not exactly proud of it. been wasting time in school when i should have been studying. and back home i am always distracted, either to the bed and the comp. man, this shouldn't be happening!!! should be continuing wif my tutorials and revision. ar damn!!! this is bad!!!

anyway, i skipped STAR programme just now, but for a good reason. it was the defending champions mjc playing against our beloved tpjc. but man the atmosphere just now was just awesome!!! especially when ahkim scored. it was a bloody nice goal. haha.... when we ended up losing 2-1. not bad i guess. but definitely can be better.

and i am gonna make this resolve from now on. and i am freaking serious!!! i must make use of all the time i have in a good way. except perhaps few hours in school. damn it anwar!!! your freaking A-levels is in 6 months time!!! WOW!!!

goodness... NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-04-11T21:30:00.003+08:00

oh man!! it has been an awful week for me damn it!! oh man!! i just wanna get out of here! GOODNESS!!!

it all started out when i told my parents about my SA1 results. i thought i could hide a lil longer, but apparently not. i started by telling them i was 1 of only 4 who passed maths. you think they FUCKING care?!?!?!?! obviously not. coz they are called "MY PARENTS!!!" FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!! i know i am dumb ass who has not made them happy ever since primary school, but what can i do. i did my best. and there are 3 more exams for me to improve. ah just forget it lar.... so muh for being parents. i cant even confide in them. i cant even remember the last time they encouraged me. except when i got my psle results but that was only bcoz i did well. apparently my friends are more supportive and understanding.

and now i guess the only thing i can do is to work extra hard for my physics and gp. hope to get at least an A for 1 H1 subject. as for my H2s i will of course work hard to get as many As as i can, hopefully 2 or 3.

(am in a rush coz soccer will start real soon, like in 5 mins time. will be back real soon)

exams over!!!

2009-03-26T22:56:00.005+08:00

it was the last day of my SA1 today. somehow the end of exams brings more joy to me than expected. hahaha..... it is definitely not the right attitude, considering my A-levels is this year! but it is normal timetable on monday, so i aint got really got much time to rest. and i have kayaking course this saturday, sunday and next sunday. WOW!!!! i just slacked the whole of today, and planning to do so tmr as well. did the same old regular stuff. hah... i need a break from studies but i dun wanna stay at home!

and i am feeling a lil awful recently. got this ear problem and it has been killing me. have experienced this before but THIS IS UNBEARABLE! it is like i am half-deaf and then it aches to the core. and i am having this one-sided headache as well along with blocked nose. gosh this is awful. cant wait for the end of all this.

well... about the exams... i really dun wanna talk about it alrite. i m just waiting for the results. and waiting to see whether i can jump up and down or just one direction.

and last but defintitely not the least, it is about this girl i met recently. well she added me on facebook and at first i thought she was just gonna be another fren. then she chatted on facebook and msn. she even opened up to me easily about her past and present. this is definitely something new for me. hahahaha.... really dunno what to expect. dun even know what to do. but this is kinda a nice surprise i guess. a lil different from the same old things throughout my whole life!!!

ODAC today was fun!!!

2009-03-04T22:00:00.003+08:00

hey hey hey... been almost an entire month since my last post. haha.... wow i had a great day just now for cca. we just went to east coast park for cycling and doing that on any other day could a a lil boring especially if you are just not in the mood. but just now was GREAT!!! everyone was in high spirits and this was the first time the J1s did an activity outside school. they were enthusiastic as well, so yea....

i was thankful to even attend ODAC today. just last night i was actually planning to skip cca this week and get some of my much-deprived sleep back. even the iced teas and nescafes were not helping. but suddenly i thought that i should go coz maybe it would be different from what i expected. i hang around syaf, munirah and nadia. and they were just CRAZY! mun rode the bike as though she was fighting a war. HAHAHAHA!!! but it was much-needed i guess. it even started raining when we were walking there and i thought my day was done. apparently not.we managed to finish everything and went home happy and exhausted.

and exams are also coming real soon. i am pullling my hair out on how to actually study the topics for each subjects. i really really really wanna do well for all the 4 exams this year. it has been a long while since i felt the satisfaction from doing well in exams. and i wish to rekindle that feeling again!!!

OH NO!

2009-02-04T22:26:00.003+08:00

wow.... things can really go from one extreme to another in such a short time. barely a few weeks ago, i was happily looking forward to going back to school, being confident about 2009 and all kinds of other stuff. but not now!!!

it started ok i guess for the first 2 weeks. but now it is just a lot worse. failed every subject for topical tests ( S for GP). if that showed that i haven't been studying in the holidays, then i have to admit that i didn't study hard enough. and for tutorials, i hardly know what is going on now. still struggling with the last part of vectors. and i hardly know about organic chem. and the GOD DAMNED econs teacher is just plain FUCKING useless. what the hell is wrong with TPJC ECONS DEPARTMENT!!! the tutorials are hardly beneficial at all. guess i learnt nothing except for what i read and discussed with the rest. oh come on!!!

one week gone!!

2009-01-17T21:50:00.004+08:00

hey... the much anticipated first-week of school is over. it was a mixture of emotions really. as usual exams always give me that i-am-a-lil-confident-but-i-should-not-be kinda feeling. even the maths paper wants to kill me early on!! this is the first real tests in J2. there is a hell of a lot of things waiting to get my head asap.

had chem practical lessons on thursday. even the practical sessions are proving to be a challenge. i must not stop now! this is final lap already!!! i don't want to do a Lewis Hamilton and win the F1 Championship on the last corner of the last lap of the last race of the season. well, that is easier, but i am no Lewis Hamilton!!! if only that was possible though. it always the results that matter right?

normal timetable starts on monday. it is about time i guess. looking forward to it. hopefully i will be stronger than ever this time more than ever. i really wanna go to a local university, and that means As and Bs and nothing else. and i wanna make up for my 0-level result, which still bothers me sometimes today.

2009, a year of promise

2009-01-04T22:59:00.003+08:00

a new year is finally here. a good way to start things off afresh and perhaps move on from the past.

i have been having this feeling that 2009, in some ways that only God knows, is gonna be a great year, perhaps the greatest one in my life. i have this sudden feeling of optimism and motivation going into the new year. i have never felt this way before. perhaps it may be a start of great things that is gonna happen. well i will sit for A-levels this year, and after that going into NS and hopefully a good uni after that. maybe if everything turns out well, it will be a great time. a real contrast from the past yea?

i will have exams once school reopens next monday. topical tests on a few J1 topics. haven't really started on physics and econs. got 6 days to do so. and school is reopening at a right time as well. really looking forward to it. at least i can be with my friends and have fun again, at the right time that is.

I KNOW WHAT I WANT AND I KNOW HOW TO GET IT!!! AND I WILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

holidays so far

2008-12-25T23:37:00.004+08:00

well... it's Christmas today, public holiday but nothing much happened. went out for lunch with my family and after that i am at home all the way!! ARRGH!!! sometimes, holidays piss me off a lot more than the stress in school. in fact now, i am begging for normal timetable to start in school. i can't say that i don't want the holidays at all, but i am always doing the same old things!! which most of the time can be boring.

i never really go out much, except went out to study with haikal for two days. did not really use all the time i have wisely. in fact, i treated as a good time away from home. did not do much at all. now i am really feeling it!! exams are real close and i am hardly prepared.

on sunday, i am now gonna play soccer twice, wif my cousins and uncles in d morning and wif my dad and his frens in the evening, that is if EVERYTHING goes to plan. sometimes a slight drizzle can scare the hell of out some players. definitely not me!!!

this whole holiday could have been much better. i wanted to work but gave up after going to 2 interviews and not getting the job. a lot of those who also applied are waiting for o-level results, and hence they have a better chance. even my soccer games wif my cousins and dad have been disrupted a lot of times.

LET BYGONES BE BYGONES. I AM GONNA MAKE FULL USE OF EVERY MILISECOND NEXT YEAR!! I PROMISE!!!!

one-day johor trip

2008-12-22T01:05:00.004+08:00

hey... i really took a heck of a vacation from blogging. but there was nothing much interesting to write about. except for now!!!

well... it all started on saturday morning. my dad woke me up "c'mon get up! we are going to johor!" at first i wasn't surprised. it was their usual tactic to try to get me out of bed, which can be a hell of a job. but they were actually serious. the last time this happened, we all packed our bags and were checking our passports. but mine was already expired!!!! and it was a sunday, so we couldn't renew it immediately. went to sentosa instead and spent a night there. at least it was better than nothing.

but this time it was indeed different. i was going to collect my new passport on monday or tuesday. so it was like the last time i am gonna use my old one. did the usual shopping, eating and hanging around stuff. just came back just now. got new shoes, socks, belt and shirt. hehehe.... lotsa pics though. check them out on my friendster and facebook. will upload soon.

terengganu trip

2008-12-02T23:39:00.003+08:00

it really has been a while since my last post ehk? been a lil busy i guess.

came back from terengganu on thursday midnight. it was a great camp, away from the hustle and bustle of city life. everything there seemed so serene and peaceful. it all started on the sunday night when we left school. had to endure eight long hours in the bus, although there were stops along the way.

reached the campsite on monday morning, just in time to settle into the campsite and prepare for kayaking, the first activity of the actual camp. we had breakfast together first and then went off to kayak. i did not take part in the first part coz of my stupid wound. cannot come into contact with water. it was quite safe actually. mr nordin wanted to let me go ahead, but god damned parents! i only started kayaking after lunch. not bad lar. considering i wass super tired and my hands were aching like nuts that nite.

the next day, the main activity was trekking and we also got to swim in some waterfall. the place was damn beautiful. could spend the whole day there!!! i brought along my camera but ended up not taking a single pic!! that's my biggest regret of all.

we also spend 2 days and 1 night on a boat house. kinda small boat with some room upstairs to sleep and place our stuff. got mattresses oso for our comfort. spent quite some time traveling. the best thing to do there was to sleep. with the wind blowing right into your face!! woo!!!

the next two days wasn't as tiring but it sure was fun. went to some mall to window-shop. and lotsa other things oso. the last day was kinda the worse. literally spent the whole day in the bus. but overall, it was a great trip. did not regret going =D

holidays!!!

2008-11-20T21:48:00.003+08:00

life is full of ups and downs. this statement has never been so evident in my life before today. but now, that is the best way to sum up my holidays so far!! which ain't too bad i guess.

firstly, it all started on monday. i went to waterloo street for my first job interview. there were two other guys waiting for o-level results as well. the job is to sell products related to starhub cable tv and max online. it is all to be done on the phone. the pay is okay but the working hours were weird. 7-10pm on weekdays and 10-6pm on weekends. there goes my sunday soccer with my dad. dammit!!! but wait.... they were supposed to call me for training, which according to them is this weekend. but they haven't done so, which means i might not even be selected.

oops..... but no worries!!! i went for another one just now. it was at city hall, as a sales associate. COOL EH!!!! mami zaidah ( my uncle's wife) kinda help me with this one. the pay is similar to the one at waterloo street, but the working hours are more consistent. except that my weekends are gone. have to spend more time studying now, coz i will only have one weekday off once my job starts, if i get selected that is.

the downside also happened on monday. i was playing soccer with faliq, asshiq and some other guys as usual. it was arnd 7 plus. i was playing quite well at that time. suddenly scored 3 goals from nowhere within a short period. WAS FEELING GREAT!!!!! but then,, i slipped on this patch of water i fell face-first (well, to be exact it was chin- first). got a bad cut at my chin and had to get it stitched. as usual, parents weren't happy and god knows when i will ever play with them again. it could have been avoided actually. no one was chasing me an d i had all the time to get the ball. but well..... it was fate i guess. it is just the timing that pisses me. i was really enjoying myself. DAMN!!!!

as for now, i m hoping that i will at least get the post at robinsons!!! from 18 dec - 11 jan. perfect timing, except that i have to study for topical tests from now onwards. going to terengganu as well this sunday night!!!

C YA!!!! do tag after reading yea?

2008-11-12T22:19:00.003+08:00

it has been a while yea.... hahaha.... really busy for the past few days, which is good i guess. got lessons tmr oso and i m really looking forward to it. in fact, i cant wait for J2 to start. feels like stepping into a new world. CHANGE is the way to go now isn't it?

having a camp in terengganu in 2 weeks' time. went to the briefing just now and was impressed with what i lies ahead. it looks real good, in the photos anyway. and i am kinda looking for a job as well. i really want it to spend my holidays wisely. and not by waking up late everyday and wasting time. and my cuzzie kinda offered me a place at cold storage. i really dun mind. lets see how things go.

longer posts next time.... promise.

pain pain pain pain

2008-10-31T23:05:00.003+08:00

hello..... yellow texts again. no prizes for guessing what this is about. it is really getting suckier nowadays. even my dad has defect from our side to my mum's. in fact he is exactly like my mum nowadays, if not worse. he is starting to get boring and always take my mum's side.

even it approaching the holidays now, it seems to get a lot worse for me. you all know that my mum restricts me to the core and even going with my friends for a lil while is a big NO NO. even if i wanna go out with my cousin, she is so full of resentment and will resort to all kinds of excuses to make sure i don't get what i want. and to make things worse, she doesn't even want to go out on family outings. just a family dinner out or go watch a movie together is such a hard thing to get. i just don't know what to think or do. she is selfish and confused at the same time. maybe she just loves our newly-renovated home so much and wants to stay here for the rest of her life.

and she doesn't think of me at all. i have no problems staying at home, but he and she are ever-present to make it so irritating and suffocating. i must admit, the only things i do at home is to watch tv, play comp or PS2, or use the comp which i mostly do at night. even watching the tv is made so irritating. u can't be free for 5 mins before u hear " why can't you just do something useful?" or things like "please off the tv now and go read something". that's how they always choose to see it. during school days, they don't see the fact that i study all the time. they choose to see the fact that my marks aren't good enough.

exactly what should i do right now? people simply say "get on with life man", "go talk to your parents and convince them", or worse "just go against their will lar..., u r big oredi" and the list goes on. but this is not what i want. although i want my freedom right now, i don't want it to come at the expense of my relationship with my family members. what is the point if i get freedom and lose all the love around me?

i think of this people although they do not return the favour. this is the worst part. maybe i should just start being a lil ugly with them. the fact that i am not schooling on monday and tuesday just makes it worse. it will just be the same old things happening again.

i know people keep saying that my blog is always so emo, but seriously, put yourself in my shoes and just imagine what life is like for me. i don't need you to sympathize with me. perhaps it is just my fate. nothing is more painful than to see your own peers enjoying life to the fullest while i am right here blabbering about something that i should be in charge of.

i just can't stop thinking bout this everyday. i just can't........................

2008-10-29T21:40:00.003+08:00

hello there!!! just 5 days ago, i started off saying that my life is rocking! oh wow.... what a difference 5 days make. i guess i must never say it out when things are going right for me. seems like this spy is stalking me and will take it all away once i start to feel it.

anyway... moving on... the school timetable now has been modified and only has mother tongue and project work. since only mabel is taking mt, we spend a lot of time on pw. but still it is not good enough!!! ARRRRGH!!!!!! my dry-run marks was awful!!! oh shit!! definitely what i do not need right now.

well, there's no school for me for the next 4 working days. tomorrow is A-level mother tongue (good luck to those taking!!!!), friday is an off-day for the whole school (that's what i heard), monday and tuesday is OP DAY but my group is presenting on wednesday. so yea.... i will be a rotten heap on wednesday!!! JUST IN TIME FOR OP!!!!!! not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good not good...............................

went out for lunch both yesterday and just now, just to spend more time out.

it's been a while

2008-10-24T22:34:00.003+08:00

oh hell it has been a while!!! WOW!!!! my life rocks right now!!!!

the first good news is that my soccer team (East United FC) will finally get together and play a match. monday morn at woodlands!!! oh wells... believe me it is worth it. have been dying to meet up with the team. at least i can play together for the first time. i will be playing at left-back. dun really know what to expect. no idea whatsoever about the opposition, except that they are my cousin's friends. yup yup yup.... this is gonna be great. well at least it promises to be. hopefully i can still say the same thing after d match.

as for school, now the timetable only has mt and pw. and oni mabel has mt in my pw group. so i spend the whole day doing pw. had the dry-run just now. got mixed feelings about it. i screamed my lungs out and mr ng and fai still asked me to project my voice. WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! will try and do better on tuesday.

seriously hope i can get at least a B!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hari raya!!!

2008-10-11T22:13:00.006+08:00

oh hello my beloved blog. it's been a while yea? no more excuses for me. i was just too lazy to blog recently. aiya..... i guess i oni use u when i really u. (WAIT.... WHY AM I BEING EMOTIONAL TO U?!?!?!)

firstly... SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI to all my muslim brothers and sisters out there. my raya started off not in the way that i would have wanted it to. coz it clashed with my sis's exams, and so we stayed at home most of the time. went to 3 houses on the 1st day and got a few guests at night. it was my dad's younger bro and sis. it's kinda normal. my first day of raya is always the same.

but this year, the timing was damned coz of psle and other exams. so the usual festive mood was quite sombre. of cos priority went to exams and the preparations for it. i finally started visiting yesterday since it was the last day of my sis's exams. my classmates came over too!!! i was supposed to follow them, but my dad wanna go out too. so i guess family comes first?

sorry guys... i really am..... sorry to fai, dzul, shakir, haikal, shakina, raudah, iffah and farhannah. i really feel bad. sorry aite.....

yea they came over arnd 9plus at nite. the timing was just rite, even though they couldn't really stay for long. but i guess they liked it!! my house was renovated a lil under a year ago. and i think they were quite impressed!!! hehehehe...... they also ate and drank a lot, which is good to see. a real pity i couldnt join them. missed haikal's jokes and the gang's laughter. i dun think i ken celebrate much next year, coz of As. DAMN!!!

post-promo period..... PPP

2008-09-29T23:19:00.004+08:00

i am sure the promos is just about done and dusted for now, or at least for me. to sum it all up, it wasn't the worst and definitely wasn't the best exams. as usual i was left saying "i could have done a lot better" a million times after getting back my papers. the good news (and the only one) is that i got promoted and will be J2 next year. in terms of results, i got B for maths and Es for econs, chem and physics. GP marks have not been released but it looks like another E. so it's B E E E E. impressive eh?

before the exams, i convinced my parents that promotion was the most important thing, regardless of results. although i really wanted good grades for the much-needed confidence starting from now. but right now, they are mad at me for my mediocre results. BOTH OF THEM!!! they keep comparing my results with my cuzzie who is doing much better. DAMN IT!!! and guess what? they are cancelling all my tuitions and expect me to do well. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but oh wells.... i m really not surprised. it wasn't too long ago that i got my o-levels and the drama is the same. hows that for DEJA VU!......

right now, the focus is on project work. normal lessons has resumed but i havent really get going academically. perhaps i sud soon. these holidays are useless and needless anyway. WEEHEEE!!!! I WANT TO MUG NOW!!! a good start....

promos over => enjoy?

2008-09-18T23:15:00.004+08:00

well... that is the most stupid question, with the answer supposed to be simple. maybe enjoy sounds a lil childish?? well how bout free? well i m anything but free.

(i have been trying to make my posts sound more cheerful, but i really have to let this one out)

after exams is supposed to be a free time for most of us. but just listen to this: went to school just now for some stupid bullshit talk on god-knows-what. terrorism and that kinda shit. ok fine. tampines mall can be bombed tomorrow. but seriously? osama? of all places tampines mall? C'MON MAN!!!!!

well then after school everyone went home, so did i. did the same old thing of playing ps, then watching tv then use comp. there is something missing during these holidays. SOMETHING REAL BIG!!! or maybe i have just gotten into the habit of mugging that i cant survive without it? oops.... is that supposed to be good?

really.... it is a damn sucky feeling. doing the same old things everyday.

any ideas out there?

PROMOS OVER!!!!!

2008-09-15T22:56:00.003+08:00

WEEHEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! PROMOS ARE FINALLY OVER!!!!!! now i guess it's time for promotion,which has been haunting me ever since the promos started. i really have mixed feelings about this exams. i dont know whether i should be optimistic, pessimistic, or just wait for the results and go with my destiny....... but hey... everybody wants to control their destiny right? hopefully it will all be okay.

as always it started off looking good. but actually it wasnt as good as i initially thought. for a only-god-knows-why-kinda -reason, i chose some weird philosophical question for GP. i was quite confident when i wrote the essay, but i later realised that i might have been out of point. maybe i should just dispel away all these negative thoughts, but it's difficult sometimes. econs was kinda the same.

BUT I SCREWED UP CHEM!! or at least paper 2. i went home after exams and re-do all the question. and guess wat? i can point out every single mistake that i made. this has always been my problem, never quite able to make it during exams. like what mr koh said, he feels that i am constantly under-performing for tests and exams. what can i do? my sec school teachers said exactly the same thing. so it's like i know how to do every question, but for some reason, cant do so during exams. guess exams are just not for me.

the mood was just normal just now, considering exams are over, except for china studies and some other subjects. i still remembered in secondary school, on the last day of o-levels. everyone was screaming at the top of their voices as they left the hall. understandable relief, but not this time. i even saw some tears just now already. there could be floods once the results come in.

so now.... i am kinda stuck at home. holidays seem boring for me now as i always do the same old thing. hey.... my cuzzie also asked me to join his soccer team, along with jerseys and socks. hahahahahaha....... i hope that it will keep me occupied enough.

exams damn near!!!

2008-08-28T22:13:00.004+08:00

forget about bird flu and whatever chikugunya for once. the latest epidermic going around is exam fever!!!! COOL HUH!!!! it's good to see i guess. everyone is working hard trying to get promoted by this year. since our mid-year results wasn't really good, this is the last chance for redemption. no one wants to get retained anyway, including me. as for my classmates, lets work together and all get promoted. it is hard to imagine what the class would be like, even if one of you guys wasn't around. LETS DO THIS, GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well, just like the rest, i m busy preparing. i am SUPER-DESPERATE!!! ever since psle, where my results kinda surprised my parents (they thought i'd done worse), i haven't really been happy with my academic results, especially in secondary school. they are not the worst but definitely not enough to make it feel fully satisfied and confident. so this is the best chance i have.

i have said it before, i am REALLY loving it here in JC with great friends and all. the only thing missing is good academic results. and i SERIOUSLY HOPE i get it by my A-Levels.

oh come on!!! this has gotta stop!!!

2008-07-25T22:26:00.004+08:00

oh no!!! not again!!! i decided to blog again 19 days after my last post. and my story is still kinda similar to my previous post. well, i always thought that when things are going damn bad for you, it will can't get any worse and will only slowly get better. HOW WRONG I WAS!!!!

after that exam period, i thought: ok lets move on..... exams are over. just forget the past and move on. that one is kinda not bad. i have forgotten all about it and promise to do a lot better for promos. as for school, it's kinda the same. nothing special lately. had the road run on wednesday and my position was just atrocious. i thought i can pace myself with shakir coz he is kinda quick, but he was late and did not even run!! haha....... i wasn't expecting to do well anyway. i oni participated competitively coz the other guys in my class are lazy. dun wanna run even though they r faster. nvm... small sacrifice in the end. i oni ran 3km instead of the supposed 5km coz of limited time. cud have been much worse!!! the gerls (shakina n sung lee) did quite well. NICE ONE!!!!)

i also got this feeling that a few of my classmates (2 girls and 1 guy to be exact) kinda hate me and my presence. dunno if it is true but they are making it obvious. i know i am not the coolest guy around, but even if u hate me, just dun show it wen i m around!!! just be nice to me and curse me a million times if u must when i m gone!! ( u know u hu r...) i will spare u here.

also lately, i have been falling sick for a few days oredi. bad stomachache and headache. maybe it was due to lack of sleep. but i have been sleeping early, and the headache is still there.

and my mum is taking advantage of this, thinking that i am lazy. got tuition just now, i was a lil tired coz of this headache. so i was a lil unresponsive to the tutor. she is the kind who wants me to reply to everything she says, even though there is nothing to say. and she told my mum that i didn't seem interested!!! and my mum merely listened to her and said "if u dun wanna study, just tell me and i will cancel tuition. ken save money". if u so wan your money, THEN JUST KEEP IT U BIG CHEAPSKATE!! y spend so much on me? i am just a loser anyway! WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?!?!?!?!?! ken u guys have mercy on me for once!!! i m sick u IDIOTS!!!!!
another issue that i must confess.... i got this feeling of being very lonely and not living life i know i can. many things actually........ i am not being as cheerful and happy as i was not too long ago. there is this "i am useless" kinda feeling. i haf always felt like this anyway, but not till this bad. and i usually hide this from everyone. in school n at home, i just laugh and smile and joke as much as i can and pretend as though life is great! but in reality, i m juz confused and keeping everything to myself (who will listen to me anyway?)

another thing is this 'relationship' that i have. (nvr mentioned much bout it b4, wun do so now too) well, i dun think it's working. but wat do i do? this is who i am and who i will be. just cannot go all out for something i want so much. i cannot even speak out to the girl i love, and now ppl are saying i sud forget bout her coz she will be gone in a few months. but y sud i? i must admit that i am doing as much as i should. the oni way we communicated was by sms and msn. i guess i can't really blame her for ignoring me sometimes. but i have come a long way to give up. and i dun tink i sud.

OMG!!! this has gotta end.....

2008-07-06T23:25:00.002+08:00

it is a school holiday tomorrow, coz it is youth day. but this week has been a week for me to forget!!! OMG!!! all week long, i have been pinching myself hard and hoping hard that i will wake up from this nightmare. but NO NO NO!! i am in the reality, dammit. ( referring to mid-year results)

lets see where to start..... first paper i got on monday was econs, kinda optimistic about it at first. well i got a C, not a bad start. although i guess i sud haf done better. but guess wat? that was the highest grade i will get for now. i have actually gotten back all my results, but i told my parents i oni got back econs and chem section A (and they believed me!!!) and even my tutor for maths didn't know!

but wat do u expect me to do? tell them everything? my dad is oredi in a bad mood for wateva reason. my mum was ok but she ken explode anytime. my grades are C E S U U. haha......
i got an S for maths, that was the most heartbreaking one. the last qn was 15 marks, but no time. haiys...... and the two beautiful U's are for 2 beautiful subjects called physics and chem. and i passed GP of all subjects somehow. i wud rather pass maths and fail gp!

but i guess this is where everything starts. my friends (or rather my clique) have started getting serious bout this now. they have even started talking about group study getting exam papers from where ever possible. at least it isn't too bad after all.

9 WEEKS, ANWAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that's all you have...... starting from 15 mins time!!!

exams over

2008-06-26T22:51:00.003+08:00

yay!!!! mid-years are finally over! but wat a terrible way to end it! got stuck at the first question (maths) and never really recovered after that. lost 20 marks for poor time-management. aiya.... maths is supposed to be my saviour. looks like i m dead now!!

and guess wat.... i wanted to watch the euro semis juz now. but two alarms from two phones cud not wake me. hahahahaha......and i seem to have some sleeping problems nowadays. have been happening since last week. i feel damn tired and sleepy during the day, but when i go to bed, it takes me like 2 hours juz to fall asleep. dunno why. everything has not changed in terms of my lifestyle and the things i do.

and as for exams, i am so used to the 'holidays-after-exam' kinda thing. but now, NO!!!! it's back to normal timetable on monday. i might even get back my econs and gp paper, which i m not really looking forward to. especially gp. hope to rest as much as i ken during these three days, but guess wat? i have tuition on each of the three days starting from tommorrow!!!! DAMN IT!!!!! my fate i guess.....

hahahahaha......

2008-06-15T22:59:00.003+08:00

hahaha...... guess what? we didn't manage to go to johor. damn stupid reason. ask me personally if u wanna know.
went to sentosa instead.... haiys,,,,,,

gg johor!!

2008-06-14T15:16:00.002+08:00

GUYS!!!!! hahaha..... guess what? i m going to Johor! haha...
dunno wats up wif my parents. super last-minute plan.

will be back tomorrow!

euro 2008 + school holidays

2008-06-10T23:32:00.003+08:00

guys..... so sorry for my super-boring previous post. well, what do u expect? i wasn't at home for three days and 2 nites. the only thing i really missed was the "kenduri" that took place at my house. almost all my family members from my mum's side came. so yea, i missed them. and one more thing is hamisha (my cuzzie-dad's side) was celebrating her first birthday on the same day as my dad's. so sucky man...... surely .... everyone miss me!

ok back to myself. well, it is the god-damned holidays again. and i am screwed at home! haha..... and the fact that Euro 2008 is on makes me worse off. same old story. matches are 12am and 2.45am. and mum is not happy. in fact, right now, i am waiting for Spain vs Russia at 12am. will watch it in my sis's room so that she won't know. and my dad is not watching coz he is working. DAMN!!!

what i haf been trying is that i m trapped at home. i can't escape my mum to go to school, and i won't escape from watching soccer. hahaha...... SCREW MY LUCK!!!

as for school, i haf been struggling wif chem a lot. and it doesn't seem to be getting better. dunno why... i have a strong feeling that i flunged my econs paper. OH GOD!!! PLS HELP ME!!!

it also seems that holidays are really unnecessary for me in JC. i mean..... i love it in school wif my classmates..... i mean my clique.... why sud i stay at home. no point lar seh.....

HAIYO!!!! MY LUCK HAVE GOTTA CHANGE AT SOME POINT! AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, MY LIFE WILL NEED A CHANGE AS WELL, WHICH IS AS GOOD AS A MIRACLE.

(pls tag after reading...... hehe..... who ever it is)

odac LTC

2008-06-01T22:36:00.005+08:00

i just came back from LTC (leadership-training camp--> ODAC) today. kinda late and damn exhausting!! haha.... i wouldn't say it was the most fun thing ever, but it was worth trip.

well, it all started on friday afternoon, after econs lecture. i taught that we were supposed to meet mr nordin at the mosque, but actually, we had to meet him at changi. so i had to take my HUGE haversack with me in the bus while going to mosque for prayers. some of DK seniors were kinda damned wif us, but i didnt give a shit bout what they were saying. then after prayers, me n dzul went to changi to meet mr nordin. on the way there, we met him and few others on the bus (GREAT!!!).

we then took a boat at changi jetty to Pulau Ubin. initially, i taught that i had missed out on quite a significant portion of the activity. but when i found out from the rest, all that they had been doing was to carry things from the jetty to the jelutong campsite. hahahaha....... they were pitching tents when we came. after that, was the sickest part of them all. i like trekking, BUT NOT WITH MY HAVERSACK ALONG!!! we trekked from arnd 5pm-3am! of course got breaks in btw. all the food we got (for one-a-half day) was biscuits, bread and nutella. cool..... kinda expecting it.

the next morning, we went to changi (again!!!) for kayaking. we had to kayak in pairs to loyang and back to changi. i paired with dzul, and i say for sure he wasnt happy with me. hahaha... coz i got tired easily and always tried to stop paddling. (sorry mate!!!!) and guess what?!?!? on the way back, it rained!!!! woohoo!!! and we were in the middle of the sea. i somehow was stronger when it was raining, and i reached changi soon. after that, it was the first time that i got to bathe in this camp.

and just now was just stamimania and wet games. (won't elaborate... quite common). so yea.....
the worst was that we had to say YES SIR!!! and YES MAM!! 90% of the time. like some military style. hopefully get to do that to juniors next year. oh yea! i really that i will be part of the exco members for ODAC. really wanna be part of this! but then i think i kinda screwed up in the interview. aiya.... hope it wont affect me too much.

will be having class outing this tuesday, mr lee's last meeting with us. i seriously hope that the whole class will turn up (although i know they won't).

2008-05-23T22:36:00.005+08:00

well...as promised......

i guess that CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL really made my week. up till now in fact. in case u dunno Manu won 6-5 on penalties!!! haha..... for once i saw my dad jumped up and down and screaming like a lil child. but hahaha.... who cares? this is what football do to people like me. rather than listening to my god damned mum.

although i kinda expected manu to win, u just cannot say for sure in these matches. u know when john terry stepped up to take the penalty, i covered my face with my hands and watched through my fingers. even when i watched a horror movie, i wud never do that. seems that soccer can be the most horrifying thing!!!!!

going back to school now, had my first taste of examinations in jc. kinda the same except of course the difficulty level. i found the papers do-able. but i won't say anything yet. whenever i m confident in some papers, it turns out otherwise. so i will just wait and see.

this week, we also have three teachers leaving, Mr Kenneth Lee, Ms Amantha Chong and Miss Leo. they are actually great teachers and i have gotten used to their style of teaching, so it will be some task to cope with whoever who steps in. but nevertheless, this is not an excuse to slack off. had a fright for econs just now even though the paper was kinda "easy". so yea.... nothing is over.

haha.... yellow colour... no prizes for guessing who it is for.
apparently, this week the issue was about my cca. she never seems to be happy wif whatever i do. i am going for ODAC camp this week and one of the activities is kayaking. cool rite??? try telling that to my mum. she is unhappy that i joined "this kind of cca". ok fine... she is doing her job of being protective. but no till this extent. for this very reason we just had to argue. i lost it and screamed like her like shit!!! pointing out the fact that i quit soccer in primary school just for her sake (it still hurts). now she wants me to quit odac. i will not quit even if she fall at my feet. enough is enough!!!

and yea.... we have not been talking since monday. lets see how long she can last!!!
FUCK SHIT!!!!!!!!

and guess what, she will have to accompany my dad to some wedding in KL for two days. she won't be at home!! finally, my home will be like heaven!!!

hehe.... malas seh

2008-05-19T00:15:00.003+08:00

aiya... very late oredi ar.... kinda lazy to blog. have been happening all week. dunno why. probably too tired and got better things to do (like studying).

btw, as expected, MANU ARE CHAMPIONS OF ENGLAND!!!! hahaha..... congrats and assnal , liverfool, and particularly chelski for making it tough. but actually, u guys are no where arnd us. hahahaha......

GLORY GLORY MAN UNITED!!!!

to be continued after gp and econs exams.... promise

2nd for cheerleading!!!

2008-05-02T21:45:00.005+08:00

WOW!!!!!! what a fantastic week it has been for me!!!!

firstly, we got SECOND for CHEERLEADING!!!! yes.... u heard right.... SECOND!!!! and a medal to go with it!!! hahaha...... WELL DONE GUYS!!! WE TRULY DESERVE IT!!!! four years in secondary school without winning a single thing, and then four months into jc life, i got a medal for cheerleading. hahahaha...... too good to be true?? not anymore.

the fun aside..... i guess life goes back to normal eh? got two faculty tests this week and i DO NOT WANT TO SCREW IT UP!!! PLS!!!!!! i know i have not been great at chemistry since sec school. but c'mon.... gimme a chance at least. i got a decent result for physics and i want this to carry on!!!!!

i said that i will touch a lil bout my mum..... HEAR ME OUT GUYS!!!!!
i have a deprived childhood. ever since i was young, she never lets me out of house. at least when i was young, it was okay. but up till now?!?!?!?! and is not like i wanna waste my time and lepak (slack in malay) all over singapore. all i have been asking for is to at least go to and back from school myself. and maybe lemme go out wif my friends once in two weeks. NOT EVEN THAT!!!!!! FUCK OFF!!! YOU ARE KILLING ME, MUM!!!! PLEASE!!!! I LOVE YOU, MUM. i do not like to curse u like this, but why do u just keep doing this to me? i noe u r doing this coz u love me. but please, not until u r suffocating me.

and do u noe the consequences of all this? I AM SICK!!!! everyone has labelled me as a nerdy guy and one who is too dependent, no life and all....... i have even been ignored or at least shunned by frens i consider my brothers and sisters. and those who are still my "friends", they still choose to make fun of me this way. i am sick!!! i have listened to everything u say. i quit soccer in primary 4 coz u say so, i joined chess club in sec school on your request, i worked hard enough and chose to go to jc coz u say so, i even sacrifice my childhood so that i do not get further away from u. at least gimme a chance to enjoy my life this time.

and it is killing me right at this moment. i have marvelled at my frens' freedom and wished i cud be like them. but i am just waiting for rain in a desert. i don't think it will ever come! and everytime i want to hang out, i have to lie to u. u think i like doing this?! please mom. if u cannot understand me, then who will? i have even tried to not talk to you at all. but i juz cannot do that!!! i just love u guys and all i am asking for is to understand me. or at least try to.

PLEASE MOM..... I LOVE YOU!!!!

something new....

2008-04-18T22:13:00.007+08:00

well.... here i am. friday night. 10.14pm. too early? i am the only one awake right now. everybody is asleep. and here i am singing my favourite Hindi songs (yes.... singing) hahahahahahahaha........
this is great!!!

tomoro, there will be a CIP. we have to be collect newspapers from homes. like karang-guni man. i thought all of this was over in secondary school. haiys... i juz hate CIPs okay..... not my kinda thing. hopefully, our clique ken meet up after that.

as for school, this has to be the most relaxed week ever!!! the only hw we had for the entire week was PI. cool seh.... for once life seems too good to be true. although we had tutorials to complete, it wasnt as stressful as the past weeks. but then got a lot of tests coming up, starting with econs on tuesday and physics on thursday. oso got a lot of extra classes and remedials. i guess i shouldn't be too surprised after all. it will juz get worse. like yesterday, got lecture from 5pm-7pm. luckily it was maths lar.

since i was more free than i expected, i slacked 100%. on monday i was on the net till 12am. yesterday oso and today oso i guess. ever since i found this website (bollyfm.net), i was so occupied lar. the perfect site for bollywood fanatics like me. rather than doing the same old things all the time.

it is oso getting better wif the friends. i met some friends i last met during pae. and they still remember my name!!! hahaha..... i juz feel good now. i feel kinda extra good when hot gerls acknowledge me when we met along corridors or in canteen. hehehe.... (think straight pls!!!!!!!!!) i feel more wanted and more appreciated among my friends compared to sec school. it's a lot easier to socialise and make new friends. and i am also starting to feel more confident now. in sec school, i was known as "shy and quiet". now, i am no where near that! and i like that!!!

and guess wat? for sports day, i joined cheerleading!!!! OMG!! i have no idea wat i have got myself into! peer pressure. long story. but at least our class can get even closer.

as for my parents (mom in particular), i really dunno wat to say or do now. other than trying to stay away from home as much as possible. she is really DRIVING ME MAD!!! raising her voice ( or rather pissing me off) at the most trivial matters....................................................................................................tbc in next post. i am still relying on my friends to give me that "support" that will make me (temporarily) forget about my 'home'. (no pressure anyway!!!)

2008-04-12T23:53:00.004+08:00

finally.... i have found the time to blog. damn busy nowadays, and tired oso. i dunno wat tires me out so greatly! i dun do much in school other than laughing like hell at the jokes my friends made. although some of the jokes are really "lame". hahaha....

i m sweating out on my PI now. it's the 3rd and final draft and so i wanna do my best. juz hope that my group will be good so that i ken work well them. got a few people in mind that will make my group ideal. don't get me wrong, i am okay with everyone in class, but it is juz better if i get people that i can work with easily. it is the main purpose of PW anyway. hope ken get one A first, although my PI kinda stinks!

as for school, this is the first weekend in which i have little hw. i oni have maths and pw draft. and the draft can be submitted on wednesday!!!! wee!!! can watch soccer later peacefully. it's MANU VS ARSENAL!!!! we are gonna end their season tonite!!! (FAISAL!!!!!!! u listening?)

oso my classmates are planning where to go for our cg-camp and learning journey. and ODAC oso having camp in june. this is my chance to stay at home for longer time. and c'mon mates, lets make this camp a great one!!

talking about staying away from home, i am planning to work at the end of the year. not too sure what i wanna do, but dzul's job kinda interest me oso. ken go town!!!! (rite dzul???)
and guess wat??? when i ask my parents oni, i got a reply i didnt want. apparently, they cut my allowance by juz $1 (juz to cut cost) and i happen to ask about this at the same time. they think that i am saying this coz i wanna get back my money. but in the end, they kinda encouraged me. hahaha...... what a joke!!!

NO!!!

2008-04-04T23:23:00.003+08:00

I AM SUPER TIRED!!!!

as much as i m loving my life now, my body is oso taking its toll!! i dunno why i m so tired after school ar... everyday when i come home, i must surely sleep for at least one hour. then my mum wont be happy coz she thinks i m lazy. PLS LAR!!!!! she want me to go jc... and now that i have achieved that, she don't wanna understand me. she thinks it is so easy and so relaxing. PISS ME OFF!!!!

and sadly, my homework is also pilling up. hw from school and tuition!!! haiys... well actually, it is not DAMN BAD that i am going through all this. it is for my own good after all. and this time around, i really wanna succeed in the national exam. it is gonna be one of my last few national exams (A-Level i mean.....) so i wanna do it well this time.

and guess wat? i cannot sleep at nite, even though i am tired during the day.

update on school life....... hohohohoho.......

2008-03-29T00:15:00.003+08:00

okay... so school is entering the 4th week of term 2. so i guess i sud be more or less settled into it oredi. in fact i am...... really loving my class and the jokers, noisy ones, and everyone else. as for studies, maths (as usual) and economics (somehow) are my fav subjects. still struggling with chem seh... shit....

as for friends, plenty oredi i guess. always hang around wif faisal, shakina, dzul, shelveen, shakir. and the class have bonded!! (FINALLY!!!!) and as usual, haikal is giving us all something to laugh about. and shakina and faisal cannot stop their squabbles. dzul is nuts about IT and WIFI thingy. and town oso. hahaha......and iffah and sung lee are the studious ones. (sorry to the rest for not mentioning u guys)

as for me, hahaha.... i dunno...... still waiting for that golden opportunity to talk to Anisa (alone??? hehehe.....). we oni smile whenever we bumped into one another (although it's not too bad). and guess wat? her friends actually know my feelings for her. i mite have made it too obvious, but heck lar..... they noe oso so wat??? that's the way to get cheap attention. WOOHOO!!!!!!

also... ppl are starting to call me innocent (good or sux???) although i don't give a DAMN about wat ppl say about me, i wanna noe wat isit about me that makes me innocent... ken some kind soul pls tell me???

2008-03-23T01:04:00.002+08:00

i just came back from what was supposed to be a class outing. but apparently oni 5 ppl turn up!!! wtf!!! damn!!!!! but still it's not too bad, although i am quite close to those-who-turned-up in school oredi. so the actual intention of class-bonding wasn't there.

but still, i told my mum that it was a class outing and that teacher will be wif us. in the end, we just met him a few times before he went off. for once, i feel great that i lied. have to.... i am not going to listen to her all the time!!! i need some freedom too.

we hanged around marina square for a while. and my BOWLING sucks juz now. for whatever reason!!! i had the perfect score of 0!!! (shouldn't have mentioned that!!!) and luckily i did not agree to the bet of loser-treat-them-all. hahahahahahaha........
we oso went to somerset and orchard.

first time i am allowed to stay out so far so late at night. so i guess i will have to lie to my mum all the time whenever i wanna go on an outing with my mates (i m not loving this idea, but i have no choice).

class outing!!!

2008-03-20T22:55:00.003+08:00

shit!!! tomoro got holiday again! cannot go school. hahaha.... i m crazy!!!

having class outing this weekend. maybe cher oso coming along. we gonna finally bond as a class! and guess what? i lied to my mum that this outing was compulsory!! haha.... if not i will get screwed at home again (GOD!!! pls forgive me!!!)

on the negative side, it's oso getting tougher now. and i m really starting to feel it!! for chem, i juz don't get a damn thing about VA and moles. and for maths, my teacher lazy to explain properly. but then my friends all know how to do!! yikes!!! unwanted memories of my sec school is haunting me!!

my life is changing

2008-03-14T22:48:00.005+08:00

ok... so... let me get things straight around here. i m now in jc after 4 years of hell in secondary school. it wasn't too bad lar. juz didn't like it most of the time. and i have already mentioned that i am loving my new lease of life. great!!! at least i feel a lot better and i am having a more optimistic outlook (at least for the time being)

but my main point this time is that my life is changing, and i am really feeling it. first of all, i actually enjoy to school! YIKES!!!! yes!!! it's true!! i am actually suffering right now coz of school holidays. i am actually dying to get back to school. most probably it's because of my newest classmates in 08S32. i don't really noe them too well as yet, but there is this closeness and camaraderie that is just great. they really make me feel wanted and belonging. well, they are on the right. the class is kinda split into two in terms of "gangs", but what the heck!!! i belong to the right one for sure. THANKS A LOT, GUYS!!! u guys are what true friendship is all about. and lets make this last for whatever time we have left.

the painful truth

2008-03-09T23:32:00.003+08:00

well.... as for now life is great in jc. i m really loving it. it is like having a new life!! so maybe now i sud 4get about my past. but i really cannot. no matter how hard i try.

i am actually blabbering about my childhood, up till now i guess. it is kinda deprived to the highest extent. and it really affects me when i mix around with friends. i feel alienated. my mum says she is doing this coz she loves me. but it is really an excuse. she juz doesn't want me to be like others. DAMN!!!!!!! WHY?!?!?!?! what have i done to deserve this? i cannot go out with my friends and even cousins. and then at home she force me oni to study, eat , sleep. come on!!!! i am a teenager damn it!!! i want my life back!! this is supposed to be the best part of my life! and it is taken away from me by the person who is supposed to love me more than anyone else. and i m still feeling it today. when my mates are enjoying their lives, and i m forced to marvel at their freedom. and keep wondering wat it will take to convince my mum to change her mind.

but guess wat? I AM NOT WEAK!! I WILL NOT BE HINDERED BY THIS! I M MOVING ON IN LIFE. I AM NOT FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF.
AND TO ALL MY "FRIENDS" WHO THINK I M TOO DEPENDENT, THIS POST IS TRULY MEANT FOR U!!!!!

a confession

2008-03-03T22:51:00.003+08:00

i am currently planning out what i should blabber about on this blog. there are just too many things that i want to tell someone or something.

haha.... life is great (for once) in tpjc. i am really enjoying my new lease of life here. great ppl arnd me. i recently met this girl during orientation. really fancy her. she's hot!!! and single!! hahaha....
i got attracted to her by the way she talks to me and the fact that she never seems to get bored when talking to me.

yea ok fine.... i guess i am in love, that's why i choose to see things differently. but this is the first time this has happened to me. so yea, hopefully i am in for a big surprise.

first post!!

2008-03-02T23:17:00.004+08:00

today , i finally signed up for a blog account . i want to enter another dimension apart from the old family and world environment where everyone is obsessed with themselves. i am sick of trying to talk to humans whenever i need someone. they just have to listen to what i have got to say. but they choose not to do so. to add onto that, they insult me and always find flaws in me, which in truth is my weakness that i have no control over.

my life has been loaded with too much pain, agony, confusion and frustration of why life turns out this way for me. ok fine..... life is full of ups and downs, and everyone has their own fate and destiny. but i want to do something for myself that will help make my fate a lot better. instead of just listening to others and doing things the way others do.

i have always wanted someone who can understand me, and help me see my future in a more positive light. pls..... if you are one that fits the description, pls help me out!